Getting married 101

So it all finally happened and went well . Given how much I had blogged before the wedding, I had to write something after it was finally done and also because a friend mentioned that he would be kind enough to read it :-).
So all the while that we were preparing for the wedding everyone that we met gave us some insights into what there's had been like and from that we had a clear cut list of what we did not want our wedding to be. Here are some things that we heard
1) You will just want the wedding to get over as quickly as possible and just get back home to sanity.
2) Weddings are all usually just a big daze, you hardly remember what happened during the entire time . It is almost like a photo where multiple frames got merged together
3) People are all very stressed out at weddings and they end up stressing you out.
4) All the rituals are so boring and old fashioned
4) Weddings are a very expensive affair and they drain your pockets out.

Armed with what all we did not want our wedding to be, we met some amazing couples who gave us tips that made sure our wedding was nothing like what we had heard. So when I decided to blog, I thought I should capture all of these points. So here goes my wedding checklist
1) Find a fun and chilled out husband / wife . I was lucky that ways but if that is not working for you follow the remaining tips.

2) Having a fun wedding is your responsibility. Plan things that will break the ice and get people to realize that they are here to have fun and not be caught up with just arranging things. I started off with a questionnaire for my family about the other side.Train journey, coupled with cards and some antakshari also can do the trick. Best of all tricks is to go up on to the stage during the sangeet and dance/sing. Nothing works better than the bride and groom dancing to each other tunes at the wedding.
3) Maintaining a journal throughout the wedding is also helpful as it prevents you from getting dazed and not being able to live in the moment. Capturing the simple moments on a video or on paper will help you stay focused and aware throughout the wedding.
4) Another tip that I received was not to resist taking part in any of the rituals. The more you detest them , the more you will end up spoiling everyone's mood during the marriage . It helps to do some research before as to what these rituals mean because then when they actually happen you will be able to athedd  certain quality that the ritual provides into your relationship. Some of them like taking care of wooden babies or playing with a flower ball help to lighten up the situation a lot.
5) Force yourself to smile no matter what chaos is happening around you. A friend of mine said, Akhila smile till you die at the wedding, you will have to live with these pictures for a lifetime to come and you don't want a swollen face in any one of them.
6) Get yourself a good photographer. Good photographers have this knack of making the simplest of things look the best and so when you look at the pictures you will end up feeling you had the most grandest of weddings when in reality it might not have been all like that. Consider this a cost cutting investment.
7) Do small things for the close friends and family at the wedding to show gratitude for all they have done at the weddings. Often times the wedding is so much about us that we forget all the other people who put in the effort to make it a grand success for us . Hand written notes with small gifts can do wonders.
8) Also remembering that this is just one day in a lifetime of togetherness helps . There will be good days and bad days in a relationship and it may so happen that things go terribly wrong at your wedding but then how both of you takes it defines how your relationship will look in the days to come. So if not for anything it is a good test of your relationship.
9) Finally Indian weddings are project management at the biggest scale, with each one person having a opinion on what is the right way of doing the wedding . After the dabbawalas of mumbai I think MBA grads should focus on how despite all these impediments Indian weddings do get done.

A good start can take a relationship a extra mile , so dnt forget to laugh and have fun at the wedding , you can add that extra mile or two...

The Science of Love

Going a little off topic , I wanted to add a blog on one of my favorite topics , the science of love . Movies and love stories are all full of details of how when a person falls in love the whole world changnes , there are colors all around him etc etc . The nerd in me could never accept these details , they were too cliche for me. I needed a explanation for all of it , all the more when I experienced the same . That is when science came to my rescue , found this wonderful explanantion of the different stages of love as defined by science . The biological processes behind it all . It all started to make sense then, I could distance myself easily from all the head rush and think camly and at the same time enjoy the whole process at a totally different level .

Listed here are the different stages of love

Stage 1
The first stage of love is lust. Lust is driven by our sex hormones testosterone and oestrogen. These hormones are what get us 'out on the pull'
Stage 2
After lust comes attraction. This is the love-struck phase; the time when we lose our appetite, can't sleep, and can't concentrate. This is what we know as falling in love.This is all due to surging brain chemicals called monoamines. They are called dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin. Norepinephrine and serotonin excite us, while dopamine makes us feel happy

Stage 3
The third stage of love is attachment - staying together. Attachment takes over from the attraction stage and is the bond which keeps couples together.Two different hormones are important during this phase of love. They are oxytocin and vasopressin.

Significane of sindoor

From our young age as Indian girls we have always been fascinated with the red sindoor on a married woman's forehead. Here are some of the reasons why the sindoor holds such an importance in our culture

Sindoor is applied for the first time to a Hindu woman during the marriage ceremony when the bridegroom himself adorns her with it. Traditional authentic Kumkum  is made by grinding the dried turmeric to a powder. A few drops of lime are then added to this yellow powder, which changes its hue to a bright red

History of Sindoor
Tradition of wearing Sindoor or vermillion is said to have traveled through more than 5,000 years of Hindu culture. Female figurines excavated at Mehrgarh, Baluchistan, show that sindoor was applied to the partition of women's hair even in early Harappan times. Besides, legends says that Radha, the consort of Lord Krishna, turned the kumkum into a flame like design on her forehead. In the famous epic Mahabharata, Draupadi, the wife of the Pandavas, is believed to have wiped her sindoor in disgust and despair. Use of Sindoor has also been mentioned in The Puranas, Lalitha Sahasranamam and Soundarya Lahharis.

Astrological Significance of Sindoor
According to Hindu astrology, Mesha Rashi or the House of Aries is on the forehead. The Lord of Mesha is Mars and his color is red. It is believed to be auspicious. This is why red sindoor is applied at the forehead and at the parting of the hair. Both are signs of saubhagya (good fortune). Sindoor is also considered to be the symbol of the female energy of Parvati and Sati.

Physiological Significance of Sindoor
Sindoor is applied on the spot between the brows which is considered the seat of latent wisdom and mental concentration and is very important for worship. This also indicates the point at which the (third) spiritual eye opens. All thoughts and actions are supposed to be governed by this spot.  Also , sindoor due to its intrinsic properties, mercury, besides controlling blood pressure also activates sexual drive. This also explains why Sindoor is prohibited for the widows. For best results, Sindoor should be applied right upto the pituitary gland where all our feelings are centered.

Telugu movies to the rescue

Venky explains the meaning of marriage 


My friend Krish who is a avid telugu movie watcher provided his own twist to my blog , the meaning of marriage as explained by telugu movies . Here is the video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=169KFshXF4g

Saptapadi

Saptapadi 

Saptapadi or Nagavalli is considered to the one of the most important events of the marriage . This is where both the bride and groom take the seven sacred vows of marriage.

My cousin Vijay had done a wonderful write up on marriage for his sister's marriage and as I was reading through that today , I thought I should share this.

An important post marriage ritual performed on the wedding day is Nagavalli. Saptapadi, the seven steps & the vows, form part of Nagavalli. The bride and groom pledge and declare to all those present that they have accepted one another voluntarily. Holding each other's hands, the couple takes seven steps, symbolic of the seven marital vows, around the sacred fire.
As they hold hands and walk around the fire, the bride and groom pledge the following vows:

1. Let us take this first step vowing to keep a pure household, avoiding all things injurious to our health.
2. Let us take this second step vowing to develop mental, physical and spiritual strengths.
3. Let us take this third step with the aim of increasing our wealth by righteous means.
4. Let us take this fourth step to acquire knowledge, happiness, and harmony by mutual love and trust.
5. Let us take this fifth step to pray for virtuous, intelligent and courageous children.
6. Let us take this sixth step for longevity.
7. Let us take this final step to vow that we will always remain true companions and life-long partners.

This is a very significant event in the whole marriage ceremony, and it is only when they walk seven steps together, that the marriage is complete legally according to the vedic hindu scriptures. 

During Nagavalli, a silk cloth cradle was made and a piece of sandalwood, a ripe mango and turmeric was placed in it to pray for an off spring as healthy as the ripe mango, as pure as the turmeric and as self fragrant as the sandalwood. This is followed by a fun filled event where the bride and groom fight over who will collect the gold and silver rings dropped in a narrow mouthed vessel.

Holding the bride’s left foot toe, the bridegroom then helps her tread on a grindstone called sannikallu kept on the side of the fire. The accompanying manthra (chant) says: "Mount up this stone. Let thy mind be rock-firm, unperturbed, by the trials and tribulations of life" and when it is finished, the groom adorns the bride's toes with mettelu (silver rings).  This is followed by appagintalu the official handover of the bride to the groom and ever since her family name is renamed.

Talambralu

http://www.sirishavikram.net/wedding/images/talambralu4_small.jpg

Talambralu

For most of us talambralu is probably the most fun event in the marriage . The bride and the groom shower one another with pearls & talambrAlu (rice mixed with saffron & turmeric). Another reason is the photos taken during talambralu are probably the best :-). I have been trying to look for the significance of them but so far have only found some superficial explanations , here is one of them.

This denotes the couple’s desire for happiness, enjoyment and contentment. Initially they take turns to shower the rice as it progresses it gets more entertaining when they begin to compete with each other.

Love

Diverging from my marriage research a bit . I met Karin today and she gave me this wonderful saying on Love , which I thought was very apt given the next big thing that is coming up in my life .

"Love is patient , love is kind . It does not envy , it does not boast , it is not proud . It is not rude , it is not self seeking , it is not easily angered , it keeps no record of wrongs "

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth . It always protects , always trusts , always hopes , always perseveres .

Love never fails "

Earrings

Earrings

Although earrings are not essentially a marriage symbol , most Indian girls get their ears pierced within a year of being born , I thought it might still be a good idea to understand the significance of earrings.

Here is the what the blog I referred to says about earrings -

According to Acupressure Therapy, the meridians connecting the brain pass though this area. This is said to help in the quick development of the brain. Hence, the earlier the ears of the child are pierced, better the results will be. In certain Indian communities, even a boy’s ears are pierced.

Toe rings


It almost seems like my search on meaning of  rituals has come to an end once Vaishali suggested that I take a look at this blog
http://nambikaai.blogspot.com/2010/03/significance-of-wearing-toe-ring.html

Here is what he has to say about toe rings

Toe rings usually made of silver have the following purposes that they serve -

1)  Wearing toe ring to the second toe has sexual/erotic effect. The reflexology texts also mention about treating gynecological problems by massaging the second toe. 

2)There is also a belief that the wearing of toe rings press on certain nerves that pertain to the reproductive system, keeping it in balance and healthy. . The Indians believe that your "prana" or life force must be in balance in order for you to stay healthy. All of the paths of your "prana" run down to your toes, so the idea that a marital symbol could double up as a reproductive enhancer is not a big stretch.

3) This is a ring with two or three line rounds, worn in their second finger from toe. By wearing this in both feet, it is believed, that their menstrual cycle course is regularized with even intervals. 

4) Also it is said just because that particular nerve in the second finger from toe, also connects the uteruses and passes thru heart. Because of this, the constant friction caused while walking and doing all sorts of chores during a day, it revitalizes the productivity organs. Silver being a good conductor, it also absorbs the energy from the polar energies from the earth and passes it to the body, thus refreshing whole body system.

Some men frequently wore a ring on the big toe for curative purposes or to augment their masculine vigor.

To keep everyone up to date on the items that are there next in my list , here are some of the things people around me suggested i study about

1) Snatakam
2) Saptapadi
3) Marriage symbolisms such as toe rings , kumkum etc
4) Talambralu

Kashi Yatra

Based on the traditional hindu system , a person's life is divided into four ashramas. A person spends his life in each one of the ashramas

Brahmcharya - The first 12 years of this stage a child is supposed just be a child i.e they can play and frolic around and be pampered by their parents . In the 12th year the child is sent to the gurukul to gain education under a learned master.

Grihashta - Once the student is done is with his learning , he is given two options , one is to take the house holders life or the other is to pick the ascetic life. Girhastha is the name given to the householders life.

Vanaprastha - After fullfilling their worldly duties and sending their kids off to gurukul , the husband and wife now pursue their own spiritual journeys , they set out separately in search of truth.

The shashtipurti celebration ( 60th bday celebration ) is when both the husband and wife return from their spiritual quests, they are now deemed as new people who have been reborn and so are remarried again as a part of the shashitpurti ceremony.

Sanyasa - Eventually the husband and wife renounce the worldly pleasures and settle down for a life of ascetism in the forest till they die.

Kashi Yatra is a ceremony that symbolizes the transition from brahmyacharya to grihastha ashrama. The groom says he has finished his education and now wants to take up a life of a ascetic and so he wants to head to Kashi . The brides father or brother then convince the groom by telling about the qualities of their daughter and advising him as to how a householders life is going to benefit him.

Arundhati nakshatram

There is a ceremony in the south indian marriage where the husband takes the wife and shows her the Arundhati vashishta combination. One popular story is that Arundhati was the dedicated wife of sage Vashistha and that is the reason the wife is shown the arundhati star basically to show her the model wife .

But there is also a scientific explanation for this . The star constellation of Arundhati and Vashishta is one in which one star does not revolve around the other instead they both orbit the same center of mass of theirs, and they travel through the cosmos together . So the star constellation is actually a symbolism of how a husband and wife should be . They should both support each other and travel towards a common goal together instead of one being the center and other serving them all along.

Mangalsutra

My first post on hindu marriage customs . All of us follow the wearing of the mangalsutra so sincerely but have we ever wondered why it was done to start with . Here is one explanation

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-932US7Ouk

The three knots symbolize three different aspects of a married woman -

the first knot represents her obedience to her husband, the second to his parents and the third represents her respect for God.

Apart from the mangalsutra, the Toe rings, the Kumkum, bangles, Nallapoosalu and nose ring form the six sacred symbols that indicate the woman is married.

Vaishali and I were looking for further meaning on why the mangalsutra or for that matter any other symbolism is worn by the woman , there seems to be nothing for the man . And it seemed like this was a recent change . In the vedic times women were supposed to be the ones who called the shots in marriage , it is only later than women started being treated as objects for marriage. And to support this theory we found something else.

"Historically, the custom of tying a mangalsutra, the auspicious emblem or cord, on the wedding day, appears to have become popular only after the 6th century AD. Before this, a yellow protective cord known as 'kankanabandhana' was tied around the wrists of the bride and the groom to signal their commitment to marriage."

So as the post suggests , earlier on both man and woman followed the same rituals but then as time progressed the symbolisms were all just passed on to the woman.


Remember the famous song from Saathiya ....every wondered what that meant , it is basically a mantra that is chanted when tying the mangalsutra


Mangalyam Thanthunanena mama jeevana hethuna Kante badhnami subhake sanjeeva sarathas satham” 

Its meaning is: “This is a sacred thread which helps in keeping me alive. I am placing this around your neck so that you can live happily for a hundred years”


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q44WFMeb7Hg&feature=related

Relationships Recap

Before I moved on to talk about the customs in marriage , I thought I should recap a bit and talk about the main influences that have laid down the path of marital relationship so far for me .

Over the last couple of years I got back to reading a lot on spirituality and that led to me Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev and Osho . Osho in particular defined my relationship theories ( as I like to call them ) a lot .

Some of the major takeaways for me where -

1) Most relationships fail because of the amount of expectation in them. We always expect the other person to make us feel a certain way and if they make us feel good , we define that as love and if they do not we define that as hate . But is that really love , love is a all encompassing feeling that one feels towards another person .

So my first lesson was - Define your expectations . Are the expectations from the other person or from yourself . The latter is fine , but the former is mostly unrealistic.

2) Don't count on the other person making you happy . Happiness is a instrinsic quality and it is never defined by the other person . A person can only be happy if he/she chooses to be happy.For ex - you have a crappy day at work , but your spouse has just cooked a awesome dinner for you . If you look at it this should have made you happy , but the problem is on your own you are not happy so no matter what happens on the outside nothing can make you happy.

3) Communication with the other person is always about understanding why you feel a certain why in a particular situation and never about what the other person did that you did not like . Any time you focus on the latter , communication will never flow through smoothly. Also once the focus shifts on why you feel a certain way there is a great understanding that happens , you get to learn more about yourself and your prejudices , in turn you become more honest with yourself . Greater the honesty with oneself , greater is your ability to accept other person because knowing your failings you can be more understanding towards others failings.

For ex - you were brought up in a house hold where money was very carefully spent , your spouse on the other hand spends more than you do . There will be a constant conflict if you do not understand the root your discomfort with their spending habits .Once you know why you are uncomfortable automatically you will know how to handle the other's spending habits.

4) And last Love is decision , not just a one time feeling . It is very easy to fall in as well as out of love but only when you decide you are going to sail through it would you continue to put in effort every day to get back the love . Also you need to realize that just like you fall in and out , so does your spouse and if you can both be honest about it , eventually love will become all encompassing.

The Traditional Hindu Marriage

I was whiling away time and complaining about how I really don't have anything worthwhile to do , that when my fiance' suggested I build something important.

Looking around I realized I have always wanted to understand the system of traditional hindu marriage so that I do not sit around blindly when the ceremonies finally happen. So I decided this is going to be it . My blog for a next 2 months is going to be a on going research on hindu marriages and what defines them .

More to follow soon .

The century of the self

Just finished watching Adam Curtis's documentary about the history of psychoanalysis , public relations , Freud and how all of them define the world as we know it today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCu1jBLbthk&feature=share

The 4 hour documentary was too much of a information overload for me and so I decided to start writing down a blog on it so as to be able to wrap my head around all the ideas that the documentary talks about.

Here are a couple of themes that I thought were important in the documentary

The documentary focuses on two studies about what actually drives humans to do things a certain way in life . Hundreds of psychoanalysts have worked on this over the last century and there are two predominant theories -

1) Humans are actually driven by the irrational desires such as sex , power and other animal instincts. Very few of them have the consciousness to be aware of these underlying desires and are able to overcome them to make rational decisions. Freud proposed this theory and he came to believe it more and more after seeing how people behaved during the world war . Nothing else could justify soldiers burning women and innocent children alive in gas chambers, other than the fact that most of people in the Nazi Germany were driven by a irrational desire for power over other humans. Freud and his followers believed that until and unless masses were not taught how to control these irrational desires there would always be a possibility of them being driven by these desires which would eventually lead to a unruly state of affairs . Based on this philosophy a bunch of psychoanalysts set down to the task of understanding the dark side of humans and exposing it so that they can be aware of it and avoid these desires from playing out in the open.

2) Anti - Freudians believed in exactly the opposite philosophy , the animal instincts that humans had were a part of being human and they should be embraced and not shunned. This was the start of the hippie generation of the 60s where open sex , open expression of emotions was encouraged. Each individual was considered a separate entity and the individual's desires were paramount in ensuring his happiness and as a result happiness of the entire society. People were asked not to suppress their emotions because only then would they achieve the ultimate liberation. The post 60s era till now has been focused primarily on the individual and his desires , they are no longer considered as irrational desires.

The interesting part of the documentary was actually how all of these theories have been used by the Big American Corporations to influence people's irrational minds to promote businesses.

During the Freud era , led by his nephew Edward , public relations came into being for the first time in the corporate world and with that came the world of advertising. Cigarette ads that showed men as masculine and lingerie ads that brought out woman's sexuality . The idea was that although people would not like to say openly, they actually were driven by their hidden sexual desires when purchasing items.

Then came the era of individual self in the 60s and the corporations then took on to that bandwagon . Corporates catered unique items to unique individuals so that they could use it to express their individuality. These liberated souls believed that they were making these choices out of their own thought process but in the background the corporate was actually working on their minds to convince them that only by carrying around certain material objects could people express their individuality.

The influence of the PR did not stop with corporations , it even went into politics , politicians started using statements that would appeal to the inner desires of the masses because that is the only thing that seemed to sell . Great ideas such as universal health care or increasing taxes did not go well with the new individualistic people , because they believed that a idea was only worth pursuing if it was going to give them individual happiness. So no matter how much debt the economy was in , increasing taxes was something which never got any votes from the masses , from their individual perspective , it made no sense.

So why d0 I think this documentary was important ? It is because each one of us in our own way is trying to find a meaning to being human and find the right way of leading the most fulfilling life but the problem with that is there are a lot of forces lurking out there which can influence what your chosen path in life is. If you believe Freud and think you should not let your animal instincts rule you , you can actually end up suppressing them instead of getting rid of them and unknowingly your hidden desires can still continue to rule your life.

If you are a part of the other camp which believes in the power of the individual you can fall prey to instant gratification because in the shorter term that might seem to guarantee maximum liberation.

Lets take a example , there a lot of theories on how humans are not monogamous creatures and the society is actually forcing the idea on us . As a result of forcing marriage on people we force them to suppress their desire to have sex with multiple partners which eventually shows up as frustration in other areas of life .

The other side of the story is open relationships were you have sex with anyone that you feel like getting involved with. Although this guarantees immediate gratification , it mostly does not guarantee a manageable social structure.

Same holds true for journalism , what should you present in newspapers. Sensible journalism that does not show all the crap that happens in the world or show all the crap that happens around and pitch it by saying that people are intelligent enough to choose for themselves.

We are all a product in some or the other way of the 1960s individual, consumerist generation and like the recent collapse of the economic system showed us , just catering to the desires of the masses although maybe a great PR stunt but in the longer run is good for no one. We need to think about these questions deeply , look at the hidden influences in our lives and see which way should each of us lead our lives .

The Gandhian legacy !!

Over the past year or so I have been keenly aware of the power that is being vested on the common man all over the world to finally come out and make his word heard . Power to mark a change is shifting from the hands of the select few to the masses . It all started in Egypt , then came Iran , Libya and finally India .

It feels great to watch history when it is being created rather than try and imagine it through videos , books or movies. As I was watching the protests in Egypt and Iran , I was wondering if India would ever have a such a revolt and if so what would it look like . The difference between these regimes and India is that the former were dictatorial regimes where the common man had very little say and every little attempt at freedom of speech was curbed down . India on the other hand is very different , we do have freedom of speech , ours is not a dictatorial regime and secular forces rule in India , there is very little Moral policing if any .

So my first thought when the Anna Hazare phenomenon hit India was that the realization that the power of change lies with the common man has finally hit India and as I watched with great interest the unfolding of this massive change phenomenon , one thing that struck me was the Gandhianess of all of it . And I am not exactly talking about the Satyagraha part of it here but the fact that a protest could be done in a peaceful manner and the fact that democracy and freedom of speech still prevail in India. Leaving aside the one stupid attempt by the Govt. to arrest Anna Hazare , overall the change was brought about only by the power of language and discussion and not by the use of military power. And no matter how much we blame the Indian govt on most accounts , I have to give them the credit for keeping up the spirit of democracy and not resorting to the use of military power to kill the protests . We might not think of that as a big achievement but if we were to just look around ourselves , most of the world right now is under shackles of a few power hungry people and things like peaceful protests are a far cry for most of the people around the world . Any attempt to protest usually would either land them in jail or have the death sentence written over them.

This reminded me of something that I read in the Biography of the Myanmar leader Aung Sang Su Kyi long time back . She was asked why was she resolving to the methods of non - violence in her country when it was clear that it was not bringing about a change in a quick enough manner and why was she not considering overthrowing the current regime by the use of power and she replied " I do not want to set a precedent where people would think that use of military power is the only way around any problem in their lives , that was the issue with the earlier revolution in the country , all the power was put in the hands of the military and eventually the military came to believe that might is stronger than anything else in this world".

So on this day my jubilation is more about the affirmation that democracy and peaceful protests are the one and only way to ever bring out a every lasting change in any system and we have to thank our Father of the Nation for having set this precedent for all of us .

Awareness vs Sensitivity

Yesterday was one of the days when you sit down for dinner with a bunch of new people and you are thrown into a totally new world of possibilities and ideas that you never would have experienced before. Karin's ( my host ) place is always the abode for great learnings and good food .. and yesterday was no different . I met Vipin and his wife Bhavya , along with Karin , Bob and Paul , with my special guest of the evening , Nimisha , who had decided to finally give Minneapolis a chance after 3 years of begging and pleading .

Sachin usually arouses a reverence , curiosity and extreeme desire to imitate in a lot of people . Now why the hell am I talking about Sachin , coz for me any grass root social worker evokes the same set of desires , partly due to my life long desire to be one . My love for Math , as I explained to Vipin yesterday is the only force that is stopping me from taking up that path .

Ok , not trying to divert from the topic , as soon as I learnt that Vipin is a social worker who works with child abuse and child rights , I fell right into the groove of asking my zillion questions . How does it work , why did he choose it , how difficult is the system , what methods do they employ etc . Vipin graciously skipped Karin's lovely dinner and answered all my questions .

I decided if I have to do justice to the learnings yesterday , I got to put them down in the blog so that I remember the words later on .

The main theme of Vipin's experience was how people often confuse awareness from sensitivity particularly in respect to human rights . He gave a really good example . Awareness is when you eat a chocolate and you know that throwing the wrapper on the road will dirty the road , sensitivity is actually when you do not throw the wrapper down and instead put it back into your pocket because you realize its your responsibility to make the road dirty .

Vipin went on to explain that when you see the plight of the children , you are really moved and you want the police officers and the government to immediately take steps to move it . Unfortunately it does not work like that because the other side does not share your sensitivity towards the issue and there could be a lot of reasons for them to behave that way . One is that they are just cold hearted and such things do not affect them , another could be that children cases dnt get them much mileage(votes) and thus little chances of promotion and lastly it could just be that they are busy and do not have time to handle this case right now .

Vipin said there are lot of social workers and other people right now who get really let down by the insensitivity on the part of the civil servants but the important thing for them to understand is that they cannot make another person sensitive to anything , all they can do is increase the person's awareness and hope that one of these days something will happen which will increase the person's sensitivity towards the issue . So he works a lot on training social workers on how to use Law and Psychological techniques to increase the awareness of police inspectors etc . He says you have to give examples that bring the story close to an officer's heart , only then can you expect a real change . One of the most heart wrenching examples was of a young girl who had been in a sexual abuse case , she kept getting interviewed again and again by everyone out there , no one seemed to have the sensitivity to understand that each time they asked the girl the story , she would have to go through the pain again . Finally Vipin shut the ACP's mouth by asking him to narrate his first night to everyone out there , the ACP was taken aback , he got angry because the question was inappropriate . That was when Vipin got back at him and asked him if your find it inappropriate to talk about it , how on earth do you think the young girl who has been through such a painful experience talk about her story . That was the precise moment when the awareness in the ACP turned into sensitivity.

He went on to give examples of a lot of children and the challenges that they face . How children on the railway stations once they become part of gangs and get used to the life on the platforms do not want to go to rescue homes and study any more because all they see the benefits of their current lifestyle and no matter what you cannot convince them that this will not last in the longer run . A typical day in the life of these railway kids goes something like this , they will all gather in one corner with a load of bread , butter and jam , share it with each other and throw the rest to the monkeys . Wondering where they got this food from and why do they throw it away. They get the food from the early morning Rajdhani and they dnt really need it because there is another train coming in at lunch and another one for dinner .

Another example he gave was of unthought govt policies . The govt realocated a slum on the banks of yamuna because it was causing the city to look bad and polluting the river . They gave them new homes some 50 miles away but it so turned out that most people who used to work as maid servants now had to travel 100 miles everyday which reduced the number of houses they could work in and inturn their income . There was no school at the new place so the kids stopped studying and as a results child abuse and assault cases went up .

We then moved on to the topic of NGO boom in India , it turns out that 20 NGOs work on the same railway station in Delhi . It is pretty clear that instead of causing a positive impact these NGOs just end up creating a havoc . The kids are also really smart ,they know which NGO to get food in , which one will give money etc . No sustainable change can be created in this way .

There are a lot well intentioned people out there , not as much as the ill intentioned ones , still enough to cause a change . But the problem is that one man's idea might not be the best in terms of creating a sustainable change and in the long run can cause more damage than good .

However meeting people like Vipin is always a inspiring thing , as you realize how much difference each one of us can create in this world if really put our heart to it.

Are we doing enough ??

Reading about the recent campaign in India against corruption , the freedom movement in Egypt and the struggles in Libya , I keep coming back to the same question , are we doing enough to make sure we are making this earth a better place for each one of us .

I believe I do contribute in a small way , I care about recycling , tutor English and volunteer at a couple of places ,but there is always a lingering question , given my capacity is this enough or do I need to do more ?

We as a generation are better poised than any other generation before us to create a lasting change . Also I think the need to be a part of the change is higher now given the fact that if we dnt step up efforts to do things like conservation of the earth , the earth might no longer be a feasible place to live .

Before I get into things we are not doing , I think we need to spend some time on things we are doing / ought to be doing

1. Giving 100% to our jobs . It is said that even if a sweeper gives 100% to his job , he has done his part in making this earth a better place . So as long as we are genuine with the work that we do we are already doing our parts.

2. Charity begins at home . A lot of people get involved in volunteering because it gives them a ego boost , makes them look better than their peers . Volunteering done for egotistical reasons would most likely cause more harm than good . So I would prefer being a person who just works on making him/her a better person overall , because a happy person at home can lead to a lot of happy people outside . So as long as we are working on making ourselves better people , taking good care of our families and helping out friends again I believe we have done our parts in making this world a better place.

Now what are we not doing right , our parents as a generation did not have excess of time , money or technology. Their entire lives were spent earning money and taking care of their families . Our lives are not like that , we have access to a lot of time , material wealth and smthin called social networking . But are we making the most of it is questionable .

We , the younger generation are slowly becoming a generation of excess , we party a lot , big houses , better clothes , flashier cars , alcohol , exquisite food , five star travels etc . I am not here to judge anyone , as I am a part of the same gen X . And all said and done fun has to be a integral part of our lives . But all I am trying to question here is how much of this excess is worth it ?

Would our time and energies be well spent if we were to spend more time say helping to teach kids near our house , cleaning up the garbage close to our houses , learning more about indian scriptures or helping out at campaign like that of Anna hazare . Some how these ideas seem to have slipped out of our collective psyche and I think it is time each one of us think about what roles are we playing in making this earth a better place , because one thing is for sure, time is running short and before we know this place we call mother earth would have been mauled to such an extent that we can no longer get it back .

So let us all be thinking of it today and in the days to come .....

Death

I am in one of those moods today to write about a not much talked about topic , but of which I often think . Our normal excuse always is that we are too young to start thinking about death , I think there is never a right age to start thinking about death . It is a reality of life, as much of a reality as life itself is . We live and we die and the unfortunate part is we always forget in our daily routine that our life has a expiry date . We keep living our lives as if we are going to be on this earth for ever .

Ok , so why do I think we need to be aware of the fact that we are going to die one of these days , there is a very simple reason to it - It just makes us enjoy our lives better because we know that this awesome run that we are having on this earth is not going to last too long .

So what exactly are the advantages of thinking about death

1. You become aware of the fact that life passes by really quickly - 25 years have passed by already in the blink of an eye , how much time do you think another 50 years is going to take . Another two blinks of a an eye and it will be all .done

2. Once you know that life does not really last that long , then you know that you better use it in a good way and feel happy about it . There is no point really cribbing about anything , anything that brings negative emotions in you and prevents you from enjoying life is really biting into the small amount of time that you actually have on this earth . In short you stop taking Life too seriously .

3. Knowing that life has expiry date also means that you have to start making a list of things that you want to do when you can do them . Do you really want to spend your entire day , locked up in a office , doing things you hate when you can actually be out there doing something you really like .? Well you can afford to do those hateful things if you had infinite time in your hands not when you have only a few moments .

I know we have all heard this thousands of times in the thousands of forwards that get sent to us , but one thing I have found is that any time I am aware of this thought , my life changes , my actions start to have more meaning to them . I know I need to enjoy this moment thoroughly because this moment will never come back ever again . Is it tough to do this , ohh ya , what with our minds jumping around all the while , but is it worth doing this , for sure it is .

So what started this chain of thoughts today in my head . I met a couple in the temple today . They lost their 19 years old daughter due to distracted driving . Her friend was driving the car , turned around to pick up a napkin and crashed . So now they work on promoting awareness on distracted driving , they hold a vigil and walk every year , the money that they collect goes to her foundation , they are trying to contact reporters , govt officials and people everywhere to spread awareness on this . I could see the emotion in their face , when they talked about their daughter but at the same time there was a strength that if they have to make her memory a good one , they need to do something about it . It is very rare to meet people like this who can turn around misfortunes in their life into a meaningful passion . I told them , I cannot express in words but what they are doing is truly great and not many people are able to do that .

Here is one couple who has understood that death exists and accepting that it is a part of our lives and then dealing with it is makes our lives on earth even more worth it.

Continuing this chain of thoughts was a movie that I saw " Driving miss daisy " . The movie is about a old woman , who suddenly realizes that she is too old to drive . But she does not want to give up on being the independent woman that she has been all her life and ask around for help . She resists being given a car and driver , but eventually starts warming up to the idea that it is not bad to ask around for help .

Seeing that movie I suddenly realized that I am going to be that old and senile one of these days, I will constantly need someone's help , will no longer be able to do everything I wish to , I will forget stuff and I might get stuck in a one bedroom apartment with not many people around me .

Does this scare me ..sure it does , I love my youth and want to stay in it for ever . But that is not the natural way of life and I think the best way to deal with it is to be aware of it . Everything in nature starts with a seed, becomes a sapling , a full grown tree and then dies and so it is going to be with us too . A lot of times we get frustrated with our elders that they do not understand our ways of life , but we always forget that we will have to be in there shoes one of these days and it might mean all the same things for us then .

The Bhagwad geetha sums this up

"Death is as sure for that which is born as birth is for that which is dead . Therefore greave not for that which is inevitable "