Getting married 101

So it all finally happened and went well . Given how much I had blogged before the wedding, I had to write something after it was finally done and also because a friend mentioned that he would be kind enough to read it :-).
So all the while that we were preparing for the wedding everyone that we met gave us some insights into what there's had been like and from that we had a clear cut list of what we did not want our wedding to be. Here are some things that we heard
1) You will just want the wedding to get over as quickly as possible and just get back home to sanity.
2) Weddings are all usually just a big daze, you hardly remember what happened during the entire time . It is almost like a photo where multiple frames got merged together
3) People are all very stressed out at weddings and they end up stressing you out.
4) All the rituals are so boring and old fashioned
4) Weddings are a very expensive affair and they drain your pockets out.

Armed with what all we did not want our wedding to be, we met some amazing couples who gave us tips that made sure our wedding was nothing like what we had heard. So when I decided to blog, I thought I should capture all of these points. So here goes my wedding checklist
1) Find a fun and chilled out husband / wife . I was lucky that ways but if that is not working for you follow the remaining tips.

2) Having a fun wedding is your responsibility. Plan things that will break the ice and get people to realize that they are here to have fun and not be caught up with just arranging things. I started off with a questionnaire for my family about the other side.Train journey, coupled with cards and some antakshari also can do the trick. Best of all tricks is to go up on to the stage during the sangeet and dance/sing. Nothing works better than the bride and groom dancing to each other tunes at the wedding.
3) Maintaining a journal throughout the wedding is also helpful as it prevents you from getting dazed and not being able to live in the moment. Capturing the simple moments on a video or on paper will help you stay focused and aware throughout the wedding.
4) Another tip that I received was not to resist taking part in any of the rituals. The more you detest them , the more you will end up spoiling everyone's mood during the marriage . It helps to do some research before as to what these rituals mean because then when they actually happen you will be able to athedd  certain quality that the ritual provides into your relationship. Some of them like taking care of wooden babies or playing with a flower ball help to lighten up the situation a lot.
5) Force yourself to smile no matter what chaos is happening around you. A friend of mine said, Akhila smile till you die at the wedding, you will have to live with these pictures for a lifetime to come and you don't want a swollen face in any one of them.
6) Get yourself a good photographer. Good photographers have this knack of making the simplest of things look the best and so when you look at the pictures you will end up feeling you had the most grandest of weddings when in reality it might not have been all like that. Consider this a cost cutting investment.
7) Do small things for the close friends and family at the wedding to show gratitude for all they have done at the weddings. Often times the wedding is so much about us that we forget all the other people who put in the effort to make it a grand success for us . Hand written notes with small gifts can do wonders.
8) Also remembering that this is just one day in a lifetime of togetherness helps . There will be good days and bad days in a relationship and it may so happen that things go terribly wrong at your wedding but then how both of you takes it defines how your relationship will look in the days to come. So if not for anything it is a good test of your relationship.
9) Finally Indian weddings are project management at the biggest scale, with each one person having a opinion on what is the right way of doing the wedding . After the dabbawalas of mumbai I think MBA grads should focus on how despite all these impediments Indian weddings do get done.

A good start can take a relationship a extra mile , so dnt forget to laugh and have fun at the wedding , you can add that extra mile or two...

The Science of Love

Going a little off topic , I wanted to add a blog on one of my favorite topics , the science of love . Movies and love stories are all full of details of how when a person falls in love the whole world changnes , there are colors all around him etc etc . The nerd in me could never accept these details , they were too cliche for me. I needed a explanation for all of it , all the more when I experienced the same . That is when science came to my rescue , found this wonderful explanantion of the different stages of love as defined by science . The biological processes behind it all . It all started to make sense then, I could distance myself easily from all the head rush and think camly and at the same time enjoy the whole process at a totally different level .

Listed here are the different stages of love

Stage 1
The first stage of love is lust. Lust is driven by our sex hormones testosterone and oestrogen. These hormones are what get us 'out on the pull'
Stage 2
After lust comes attraction. This is the love-struck phase; the time when we lose our appetite, can't sleep, and can't concentrate. This is what we know as falling in love.This is all due to surging brain chemicals called monoamines. They are called dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin. Norepinephrine and serotonin excite us, while dopamine makes us feel happy

Stage 3
The third stage of love is attachment - staying together. Attachment takes over from the attraction stage and is the bond which keeps couples together.Two different hormones are important during this phase of love. They are oxytocin and vasopressin.

Significane of sindoor

From our young age as Indian girls we have always been fascinated with the red sindoor on a married woman's forehead. Here are some of the reasons why the sindoor holds such an importance in our culture

Sindoor is applied for the first time to a Hindu woman during the marriage ceremony when the bridegroom himself adorns her with it. Traditional authentic Kumkum  is made by grinding the dried turmeric to a powder. A few drops of lime are then added to this yellow powder, which changes its hue to a bright red

History of Sindoor
Tradition of wearing Sindoor or vermillion is said to have traveled through more than 5,000 years of Hindu culture. Female figurines excavated at Mehrgarh, Baluchistan, show that sindoor was applied to the partition of women's hair even in early Harappan times. Besides, legends says that Radha, the consort of Lord Krishna, turned the kumkum into a flame like design on her forehead. In the famous epic Mahabharata, Draupadi, the wife of the Pandavas, is believed to have wiped her sindoor in disgust and despair. Use of Sindoor has also been mentioned in The Puranas, Lalitha Sahasranamam and Soundarya Lahharis.

Astrological Significance of Sindoor
According to Hindu astrology, Mesha Rashi or the House of Aries is on the forehead. The Lord of Mesha is Mars and his color is red. It is believed to be auspicious. This is why red sindoor is applied at the forehead and at the parting of the hair. Both are signs of saubhagya (good fortune). Sindoor is also considered to be the symbol of the female energy of Parvati and Sati.

Physiological Significance of Sindoor
Sindoor is applied on the spot between the brows which is considered the seat of latent wisdom and mental concentration and is very important for worship. This also indicates the point at which the (third) spiritual eye opens. All thoughts and actions are supposed to be governed by this spot.  Also , sindoor due to its intrinsic properties, mercury, besides controlling blood pressure also activates sexual drive. This also explains why Sindoor is prohibited for the widows. For best results, Sindoor should be applied right upto the pituitary gland where all our feelings are centered.

Telugu movies to the rescue

Venky explains the meaning of marriage 


My friend Krish who is a avid telugu movie watcher provided his own twist to my blog , the meaning of marriage as explained by telugu movies . Here is the video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=169KFshXF4g

Saptapadi

Saptapadi 

Saptapadi or Nagavalli is considered to the one of the most important events of the marriage . This is where both the bride and groom take the seven sacred vows of marriage.

My cousin Vijay had done a wonderful write up on marriage for his sister's marriage and as I was reading through that today , I thought I should share this.

An important post marriage ritual performed on the wedding day is Nagavalli. Saptapadi, the seven steps & the vows, form part of Nagavalli. The bride and groom pledge and declare to all those present that they have accepted one another voluntarily. Holding each other's hands, the couple takes seven steps, symbolic of the seven marital vows, around the sacred fire.
As they hold hands and walk around the fire, the bride and groom pledge the following vows:

1. Let us take this first step vowing to keep a pure household, avoiding all things injurious to our health.
2. Let us take this second step vowing to develop mental, physical and spiritual strengths.
3. Let us take this third step with the aim of increasing our wealth by righteous means.
4. Let us take this fourth step to acquire knowledge, happiness, and harmony by mutual love and trust.
5. Let us take this fifth step to pray for virtuous, intelligent and courageous children.
6. Let us take this sixth step for longevity.
7. Let us take this final step to vow that we will always remain true companions and life-long partners.

This is a very significant event in the whole marriage ceremony, and it is only when they walk seven steps together, that the marriage is complete legally according to the vedic hindu scriptures. 

During Nagavalli, a silk cloth cradle was made and a piece of sandalwood, a ripe mango and turmeric was placed in it to pray for an off spring as healthy as the ripe mango, as pure as the turmeric and as self fragrant as the sandalwood. This is followed by a fun filled event where the bride and groom fight over who will collect the gold and silver rings dropped in a narrow mouthed vessel.

Holding the bride’s left foot toe, the bridegroom then helps her tread on a grindstone called sannikallu kept on the side of the fire. The accompanying manthra (chant) says: "Mount up this stone. Let thy mind be rock-firm, unperturbed, by the trials and tribulations of life" and when it is finished, the groom adorns the bride's toes with mettelu (silver rings).  This is followed by appagintalu the official handover of the bride to the groom and ever since her family name is renamed.

Talambralu

http://www.sirishavikram.net/wedding/images/talambralu4_small.jpg

Talambralu

For most of us talambralu is probably the most fun event in the marriage . The bride and the groom shower one another with pearls & talambrAlu (rice mixed with saffron & turmeric). Another reason is the photos taken during talambralu are probably the best :-). I have been trying to look for the significance of them but so far have only found some superficial explanations , here is one of them.

This denotes the couple’s desire for happiness, enjoyment and contentment. Initially they take turns to shower the rice as it progresses it gets more entertaining when they begin to compete with each other.

Love

Diverging from my marriage research a bit . I met Karin today and she gave me this wonderful saying on Love , which I thought was very apt given the next big thing that is coming up in my life .

"Love is patient , love is kind . It does not envy , it does not boast , it is not proud . It is not rude , it is not self seeking , it is not easily angered , it keeps no record of wrongs "

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth . It always protects , always trusts , always hopes , always perseveres .

Love never fails "

Earrings

Earrings

Although earrings are not essentially a marriage symbol , most Indian girls get their ears pierced within a year of being born , I thought it might still be a good idea to understand the significance of earrings.

Here is the what the blog I referred to says about earrings -

According to Acupressure Therapy, the meridians connecting the brain pass though this area. This is said to help in the quick development of the brain. Hence, the earlier the ears of the child are pierced, better the results will be. In certain Indian communities, even a boy’s ears are pierced.

Toe rings


It almost seems like my search on meaning of  rituals has come to an end once Vaishali suggested that I take a look at this blog
http://nambikaai.blogspot.com/2010/03/significance-of-wearing-toe-ring.html

Here is what he has to say about toe rings

Toe rings usually made of silver have the following purposes that they serve -

1)  Wearing toe ring to the second toe has sexual/erotic effect. The reflexology texts also mention about treating gynecological problems by massaging the second toe. 

2)There is also a belief that the wearing of toe rings press on certain nerves that pertain to the reproductive system, keeping it in balance and healthy. . The Indians believe that your "prana" or life force must be in balance in order for you to stay healthy. All of the paths of your "prana" run down to your toes, so the idea that a marital symbol could double up as a reproductive enhancer is not a big stretch.

3) This is a ring with two or three line rounds, worn in their second finger from toe. By wearing this in both feet, it is believed, that their menstrual cycle course is regularized with even intervals. 

4) Also it is said just because that particular nerve in the second finger from toe, also connects the uteruses and passes thru heart. Because of this, the constant friction caused while walking and doing all sorts of chores during a day, it revitalizes the productivity organs. Silver being a good conductor, it also absorbs the energy from the polar energies from the earth and passes it to the body, thus refreshing whole body system.

Some men frequently wore a ring on the big toe for curative purposes or to augment their masculine vigor.

To keep everyone up to date on the items that are there next in my list , here are some of the things people around me suggested i study about

1) Snatakam
2) Saptapadi
3) Marriage symbolisms such as toe rings , kumkum etc
4) Talambralu

Kashi Yatra

Based on the traditional hindu system , a person's life is divided into four ashramas. A person spends his life in each one of the ashramas

Brahmcharya - The first 12 years of this stage a child is supposed just be a child i.e they can play and frolic around and be pampered by their parents . In the 12th year the child is sent to the gurukul to gain education under a learned master.

Grihashta - Once the student is done is with his learning , he is given two options , one is to take the house holders life or the other is to pick the ascetic life. Girhastha is the name given to the householders life.

Vanaprastha - After fullfilling their worldly duties and sending their kids off to gurukul , the husband and wife now pursue their own spiritual journeys , they set out separately in search of truth.

The shashtipurti celebration ( 60th bday celebration ) is when both the husband and wife return from their spiritual quests, they are now deemed as new people who have been reborn and so are remarried again as a part of the shashitpurti ceremony.

Sanyasa - Eventually the husband and wife renounce the worldly pleasures and settle down for a life of ascetism in the forest till they die.

Kashi Yatra is a ceremony that symbolizes the transition from brahmyacharya to grihastha ashrama. The groom says he has finished his education and now wants to take up a life of a ascetic and so he wants to head to Kashi . The brides father or brother then convince the groom by telling about the qualities of their daughter and advising him as to how a householders life is going to benefit him.

Arundhati nakshatram

There is a ceremony in the south indian marriage where the husband takes the wife and shows her the Arundhati vashishta combination. One popular story is that Arundhati was the dedicated wife of sage Vashistha and that is the reason the wife is shown the arundhati star basically to show her the model wife .

But there is also a scientific explanation for this . The star constellation of Arundhati and Vashishta is one in which one star does not revolve around the other instead they both orbit the same center of mass of theirs, and they travel through the cosmos together . So the star constellation is actually a symbolism of how a husband and wife should be . They should both support each other and travel towards a common goal together instead of one being the center and other serving them all along.

Mangalsutra

My first post on hindu marriage customs . All of us follow the wearing of the mangalsutra so sincerely but have we ever wondered why it was done to start with . Here is one explanation

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-932US7Ouk

The three knots symbolize three different aspects of a married woman -

the first knot represents her obedience to her husband, the second to his parents and the third represents her respect for God.

Apart from the mangalsutra, the Toe rings, the Kumkum, bangles, Nallapoosalu and nose ring form the six sacred symbols that indicate the woman is married.

Vaishali and I were looking for further meaning on why the mangalsutra or for that matter any other symbolism is worn by the woman , there seems to be nothing for the man . And it seemed like this was a recent change . In the vedic times women were supposed to be the ones who called the shots in marriage , it is only later than women started being treated as objects for marriage. And to support this theory we found something else.

"Historically, the custom of tying a mangalsutra, the auspicious emblem or cord, on the wedding day, appears to have become popular only after the 6th century AD. Before this, a yellow protective cord known as 'kankanabandhana' was tied around the wrists of the bride and the groom to signal their commitment to marriage."

So as the post suggests , earlier on both man and woman followed the same rituals but then as time progressed the symbolisms were all just passed on to the woman.


Remember the famous song from Saathiya ....every wondered what that meant , it is basically a mantra that is chanted when tying the mangalsutra


Mangalyam Thanthunanena mama jeevana hethuna Kante badhnami subhake sanjeeva sarathas satham” 

Its meaning is: “This is a sacred thread which helps in keeping me alive. I am placing this around your neck so that you can live happily for a hundred years”


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q44WFMeb7Hg&feature=related

Relationships Recap

Before I moved on to talk about the customs in marriage , I thought I should recap a bit and talk about the main influences that have laid down the path of marital relationship so far for me .

Over the last couple of years I got back to reading a lot on spirituality and that led to me Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev and Osho . Osho in particular defined my relationship theories ( as I like to call them ) a lot .

Some of the major takeaways for me where -

1) Most relationships fail because of the amount of expectation in them. We always expect the other person to make us feel a certain way and if they make us feel good , we define that as love and if they do not we define that as hate . But is that really love , love is a all encompassing feeling that one feels towards another person .

So my first lesson was - Define your expectations . Are the expectations from the other person or from yourself . The latter is fine , but the former is mostly unrealistic.

2) Don't count on the other person making you happy . Happiness is a instrinsic quality and it is never defined by the other person . A person can only be happy if he/she chooses to be happy.For ex - you have a crappy day at work , but your spouse has just cooked a awesome dinner for you . If you look at it this should have made you happy , but the problem is on your own you are not happy so no matter what happens on the outside nothing can make you happy.

3) Communication with the other person is always about understanding why you feel a certain why in a particular situation and never about what the other person did that you did not like . Any time you focus on the latter , communication will never flow through smoothly. Also once the focus shifts on why you feel a certain way there is a great understanding that happens , you get to learn more about yourself and your prejudices , in turn you become more honest with yourself . Greater the honesty with oneself , greater is your ability to accept other person because knowing your failings you can be more understanding towards others failings.

For ex - you were brought up in a house hold where money was very carefully spent , your spouse on the other hand spends more than you do . There will be a constant conflict if you do not understand the root your discomfort with their spending habits .Once you know why you are uncomfortable automatically you will know how to handle the other's spending habits.

4) And last Love is decision , not just a one time feeling . It is very easy to fall in as well as out of love but only when you decide you are going to sail through it would you continue to put in effort every day to get back the love . Also you need to realize that just like you fall in and out , so does your spouse and if you can both be honest about it , eventually love will become all encompassing.

The Traditional Hindu Marriage

I was whiling away time and complaining about how I really don't have anything worthwhile to do , that when my fiance' suggested I build something important.

Looking around I realized I have always wanted to understand the system of traditional hindu marriage so that I do not sit around blindly when the ceremonies finally happen. So I decided this is going to be it . My blog for a next 2 months is going to be a on going research on hindu marriages and what defines them .

More to follow soon .